American Healthcare in 2025

Human Resources: Thank you so much for stopping by to talk about the New Hire paperwork. Here’s a packet that explains our healthcare plan. We have three tiers for you to chose from: GoFundMe, KickStarter, or Pursuit.

New Hire: Interesting. Can you walk me through the key differences?

Human Resources: Of course! GoFundMe is perfect for people who don’t have a lot of up‐front capital but have a larger social circle they can depend on for things like life‐saving surgery, emergency dental procedures, or if none of that works out, burial costs. However, we do recommend that employees have at least $50 dollars handy in case they need it for gap coverage.

New Hire: Hmmm. I consider myself to be a bit of a risk taker and thrive on any opportunity to show off my creative side, especially when my life is in danger due to a lack of preventative medical care. Do you have any plans that play to those strengths?

Human Resources: In that case, you might want to look at our KickStarter plan. Kickstarter is great for our more creative (or at least persuasive) employees. Granted, the risk is a little higher: if you don’t meet your coverage goal you lose your funding for the entire campaign cycle. However, if you’re able to produce a convincing enough intro video about how you shouldn’t die of the flu or measles (see our vaccine policy for more information), you get to keep any additional funds you raise regardless of whether or not you deliver on the advertised product.

New Hire: Oof. That sounds a little too risky, even for me. Is there a plan that takes academic achievement into account? I got my Master’s on a football scholarship.

Human Resources: For our more athletic employees, there’s Pursuit which allows you to pledge up to 5 minutes of time with your primary care provider for every mile you run. Major surgery? Run a marathon. Organ transplant? Pass the third tier of American Ninja warrior.

New Hire: That’s insane! I wouldn’t be able to run far enough on my bad knees to gain the time needed to get them replaced! What do I do if I can’t afford any of these options and I get hurt?

Human Resources: Loads a single round into a handgun and slides it across the table.

Human Resources: Well, in that case there’s always Cobra.