The Awkward Questions About Spouses

Published: Sep 03, 2017

Hairdresser: (to my able‐bodied wife) So you’re married to Urban, yeah?

Wife: Yep

Hairdresser: So…how…how does that…work?

Yep, you read that right. That was a not‐so‐thinly‐veiled “Can your husband actually fuck you?” question for my wife’s hairdresser delivered in the same tone one might ask about someone’s vacation.

Here’s another one I get a lot:


Disabled Person: So, do you live by yourself?

Me: Uh, no. I live with my wife.

Disabled Person: Oh, man! You’re married?!

Me: Yep

Disabled Person: That’s great! Oh wow! That’s awesome, man! You take good care of her! Don’t let her get away! She must be a really special person!

Where do I even start? First off, my wife is not some kind of saint or — if I’m to believe all the award sex questions I get from abled‐people — a nun for marrying me. There’s no need for you to react to my relationship status like you just heard your best friend caught a super rare Pokemon or something.

The truth is:

Able‐bodied People Marry Disabled People as an Act of Kindness

This is insulting and ignores just how goddamn charming I really am (yes, she reads this blog).

Able‐bodied People Don’t Date/Marry Disabled People Because of Ableism

I’ve met disabled people who think this way. They think that if someone rejects them romantically, it’s because they’re disabled and not because they have some trait the other person just doesn’t find desirable.

If an Abled/Disabled Relationship Fails, The Able‐bodied Person is a Monster

Disabled people are not saints. Being disabled and being a totally ass‐hat who deserves to be dumped are not mutually exclusive.

In Summary

Able‐bodied people: stop asking our spouses about our sex lives.

Disabled People: Stop talking to other disabled people like they’ve caught a Charizard when you find out they’re married.